Saturday, January 14, 2012

Just for the record...

This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Raising three boys. Although I can hardly say that because many times i feel as though they are raising me. How I long to be that calm patient mother who always responds with love. How many times times a day Lord will I continue to fail at that? When will I find joy in this everyday life of mine instead of having the supressed urge to scream all the time. When will I find it easy to breathe deeply? Why do I feel like I am so bad at this? I know one thing at least, my kids will know how to apologize for sure, because it seems like i am always needing to apologize to them. It's not you it's me type of thing. They're just being what they are after all. Children. Acting like children. Sometimes i can let things roll off my back but other times it just gets under my skin til I'm boiling. All it usually takes is a drive in the car by myself but sometimes that time never comes and i'm a frazzled mess by the end of the day. I'll be fine. I just feel so abnormal, some days I just wish God would let me drink so I could be like every other mom out there chilling out with their glass of wine, all of a sudden not caring at all that their kids drove them nuts that day. But I know what a lie that is for me so i don't wander too far down that trail. I feel like I'm waiting for some sort of breakthrough,and I pray it will come soon.


  1. Oh friend. I only have one child and it still feels so hard. I feel the same way you do so much of the time. And if I'm not feeling upset I'm feeling inadequate and like I have non of the right answers.

  2. First of all: I am here sister. Sorry I have not responded to your last gazillion posts. Just have not taken the time, etc.

    As to this 'doozie' of a post. I had many reactions and being the 'fixer'/'peacemaker'that I am, I just wanted to fix where you were at when you wrote this. But I just kept going back to..."I only have one kid, I can't relate...let alone give any advice to 'fix' where she is at". So I kept silent (for once) and just prayed so hard for you and "your breakthrough". What's even crazier is during this 'silent period' I had my very worst day with Grant EVER!! (As you know, up until that day I felt like, though it was the hardest job I've ever had...being a mom to Grant and a wife to Eric was, well, 'a piece of cake'). Anyway, during that day from Hell I thought to myself..."Wow, this is how Michele feels...everyday...times THREE!!" I have no doubt this was a 'God thing'...he wanted me to relate to you, to better support much as it sucked for me. (And I think there was a lesson for me too..."don't take what you got for granted...keep thanking Me for what you have and keep Me in the center of it all"). So as 'traumatizing'as that 'day' was for me, I am grateful for it...and more diligent in my prayers for you.

    See email for further thoughts...I typed them out here but apparently typed too much and it wouldn't let me 'publish'.