Tuesday, January 5, 2016

I need to write.

That's it. That's all.  I keep waiting for something important to say but at this season in my life I've got nothing.  All I know is I miss it, and I need it.  There's a lot of things these past couple of years that have drained me emotionally and physically, and I'm making a commitment this year to be more of a friend to myself.  I've lost sight of the person I want to be, the things I love to do.

I'm starting today with yoga.  It's been 13 years since I took my first yoga class in a not so friendly NE Portland location through the community college.  I don't remember having any preconceived notions or expectations going in, and didn't think much while it was happening except how awkward it was when the same group of sweaty guys came passing through the gym on their way to the locker room, to shower after finishing with whatever sport it was they were practicing outside.  Yes, my first experiences with yoga were in a school gymnasium, trying not to feel self-conscience doing full forward bends with 20 or so members of the opposite sex looking on(briefly).  I don't remember what the instructor looked like, what poses we did, or if I even knew they were called poses.  But I remember exactly what I felt like walking in the dark in the freezing cold to my car on the far end of the parking lot.  I felt fully alive.  I truly did not understand what it was that my body was experiencing, but I knew it had never been energized like this before.  Even though I fell in love with it from the beginning, it would take years more before I realized how essential it is to my well being.  I have not been faithful in practicing, and my commitment comes and goes in waves, but I still get that sweet feeling that a lot of times brings me to tears as I return to the mat after long periods away.

Today I started the 21 days of yoga program on my favorite website ekhartyoga.  I usually start out with good intentions with my goals, but for some excuse or another my enthusiasm wanes and I don't finish.  I am hoping writing about it will keep me on track.  It's only 30 minutes a day.  The hardest part is getting out of bed in the morning before the kids.  I get in trouble when I start to lie to myself and believe that anything else is more important than doing this.  Of course I will always care for my family, I will always feed my kids, I will keep up with their progress in school.  But now I need to see my self-care as just as important as the rest, and apparently I need my computer to keep me accountable, ha ha.

That's all for now, day 1 out of 21 complete.