I need to write.

That's it. That's all.  I keep waiting for something important to say but at this season in my life I've got nothing.  All I know is I miss it, and I need it.  There's a lot of things these past couple of years that have drained me emotionally and physically, and I'm making a commitment this year to be more of a friend to myself.  I've lost sight of the person I want to be, the things I love to do.

I'm starting today with yoga.  It's been 13 years since I took my first yoga class in a not so friendly NE Portland location through the community college.  I don't remember having any preconceived notions or expectations going in, and didn't think much while it was happening except how awkward it was when the same group of sweaty guys came passing through the gym on their way to the locker room, to shower after finishing with whatever sport it was they were practicing outside.  Yes, my first experiences with yoga were in a school gymnasium, trying not to feel self-conscience doing full forward bends with 20 or so members of the opposite sex looking on(briefly).  I don't remember what the instructor looked like, what poses we did, or if I even knew they were called poses.  But I remember exactly what I felt like walking in the dark in the freezing cold to my car on the far end of the parking lot.  I felt fully alive.  I truly did not understand what it was that my body was experiencing, but I knew it had never been energized like this before.  Even though I fell in love with it from the beginning, it would take years more before I realized how essential it is to my well being.  I have not been faithful in practicing, and my commitment comes and goes in waves, but I still get that sweet feeling that a lot of times brings me to tears as I return to the mat after long periods away.

Today I started the 21 days of yoga program on my favorite website ekhartyoga.  I usually start out with good intentions with my goals, but for some excuse or another my enthusiasm wanes and I don't finish.  I am hoping writing about it will keep me on track.  It's only 30 minutes a day.  The hardest part is getting out of bed in the morning before the kids.  I get in trouble when I start to lie to myself and believe that anything else is more important than doing this.  Of course I will always care for my family, I will always feed my kids, I will keep up with their progress in school.  But now I need to see my self-care as just as important as the rest, and apparently I need my computer to keep me accountable, ha ha.

That's all for now, day 1 out of 21 complete.

Historic Ewer Mountain Trip!

We've taken joey on summer camping trips since he was a baby, but somehow have not made it to the mountain in the winter... until today.

Three other families were set to go with us, but one changed their minds and the other two couldn't shake off some nasty viruses in time.  The boys were bummed their friends wouldn't be there, but we couldn't not go.  Ian had been asking us every morning, "Is this the day we go to the big snowy mountain?", Gramma was already planning on taking the baby (not sure when we're going to stop calling him the baby;O), and we had already borrowed snow gear from a friend.  Nothing could stop us!  And it was sooooo worth it.

When i looked at the video we took i couldn't believe that we didn't get any shots of the steep hill that we went down, probably because we were too busy helping the boys find "steps" to get back up each time.  It was WAY faster and caught more air, but i somehow only recorded the smaller one, still just as fun though.  The other one obviously had more of a risk factor because a man was taken away on an ambulance as we were getting ready to load up.

It was a BEAUTIFUL day.  And this chronically cold person can say i was warm mostly the whole time, which if i'm honest is really the most important detail on what makes or breaks a good time for me, aside from my boys brilliant smiles and giggles of course:-)  See below!

Minus one pint-sized redhead

Cute and scary!

They call him Baby Fett :-)

Party party

Lovin' some crap food!

There's no way you can tell which one is mine and which three were done by the "professional".

Is he frightening or what?

All three of them are just too stinkin' cute!!!

He's just out to save the world that's all.

Leaving out the loot for the Candy Witch, ever heard of her?  Neither had i til a couple weeks ago, she's my new best friend.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I do not know this kid

This child pictured here is the person who at 3 years old, screamed bloody murder as his dad was trying to put on a pirate costume that HE himself had picked out, but now it was too scary for him.  The year before, his Grammie had ordered online a Disney costume that she was really happy about.  If i had known i would have told her not to waste her money.  I acted enthusiastic about it, and of course he shot the idea down repeatedly.  When he was four, he wanted to wear a shirt that had spiders all over it.  He did not want to BE a spider.  So his wonderful daddy bought black puffy paint and meticulously drew spiders front and back over a grey thermal shirt.  The boy never wore it.  The spiders looked too real.  When he was five, he agreed to be spiderman.  I borrowed a costume from a friend knowing i sure as heck wasn't going to be spending money on something that most likely wouldn't get worn.  With family in town i held my breath to see if he'd back out at the last minute, depending on his mood.  He wore it, not once, but twice, and a super fun year for Halloween memories was made. He pretty much had an aversion to anything "costumey" since he was little, or maybe it was just anything that involved going along with a plan or whatever the majority was doing at the time.  This year, he had requested some Star Wars specific characters for Halloween and i found this costume at Goodwill (helmet was purchased later)  I had to wash it first then let it air dry out on the back deck in the sun.  He kept going out to see if it was dry yet, trying to convince me that it was okay if he wore it a little wet.  He wore it every day after school for a week.  Jaw drop.  

My ever evolving joey, who should have come with a manual the day he was born, that would've read something simple like this, "I like to watch things. I will join in when i am ready and not a moment earlier.  I am just as happy observing what is going on as are the children participating in _______.  A hidden bashful smirk from me is the equivalent of another child's gushing excitement.  The bigger reaction you expect of me, the less i will perform, and will retreat if pressed.  Please do not rush me, there's nothing wrong with me.  I did not choose to be born with a "difficult" personality, and i know God will use what strengths i have for a great purpose someday.  The things about me that challenge and frustrate and stretch you the most as a parent will be the same inborn characteristics that will be required to accomplish ____________.  You won't realize this quite yet, but i'm a lot like you, and your patience with me runs short sometimes because of how similar we are.  Please let me know that you like me, because i'm already so hard on myself.  Love, newborn joey.

Who is this kid?

Let's review some history to see why something looks out of place in this picture.  This same exact jacket was worn by this same exact (yet not quite the same) child a year ago for a family wedding.  This was met by repeated protests about not liking wearing fancy clothes and uncomfortable this and funny looking that.  And a few months later while getting ready for a family photo shoot, again in "uncomfortable" clothes, he bemoaned about how awful he looked.

Fast forward to last month, the night before picture day, i mention to joey that we haven't picked out clothes yet for the next day.  My eyes open wide and i hear him say, "Okay but we have to make sure it's something rEEAlly nice."  I say okay and half jokingly pull out this jacket, "This is probably too fancy for picture day right?"  He glances up from reading a magazine on his bed, and replies, "Oh no that's EXACTLY like what i was wanting to wear." My jaw drops.  I wait for the groans that don't come.  He gets dressed the next morning in the pre-determined outfit and even lets me tell him how handsome he looks.  Who is this kid?

There are soooo many other ways he has blossomed over the last year and a half it'd be hard to list everything.  He announced the other night that he was ready to take swimming lessons again.  But there are moments that set me back and i realize that yep, my joey is definitely still in there, and this parenting ride is going to have some rough twists and dips.  My boys are all so uniquely made that it only reinforces my trust in God all the more.  Only He knows their ins and outs so intimately because he designed every part of them.  I have to yield my concerns and anxieties over to God on a daily basis, and trust him with their lives.  Only then do i have the hope and joy to accomplish this awesome responsibility of raising these children.

And there's always Yoda to go to if you need some good advice- "Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering"

We've got a little bit of a Star Wars obsession in the house lately.  From what i hear, it'll go away around never.

I am waaaay behind on blogging

 I think i remember doing this last year, putting up posts about summer way into the fall season.  Looks like it's time to do it again.

Ewer Beach 2012 (Picture Overload)

Trip #1 to Tillamook Cheese Factory

Oliver, always finding new ways to build up his immune system.

Oliver the human napkin

Sharing is caring

Following Papa around unloading suitcases

Watching previous year's beach video.  Ian wondering what on earth is wrong with Grammie who is bawling her eyes out.

"Our place"

Wish we had some dunes to climb first thing in the morning at home, wakes ya right up!

Practicing circus acts with Aunt Corah

Uncle Nate the grill master

Beach fun is serious business

Pub walk

Rip roarin' good time

Finding treasures

Our annual dark hoodie convention

Round 2 of Tillamook Cheese Factory